Discovering My Restless Saboteur
Recently, I took the Saboteurs assessment, and my top result came back clearly: Restlessness. It wasn’t surprising, but it was clarifying. It gave language to something I’ve felt for a long time but hadn’t fully named. There has always been a part of me that is moving, thinking, creating, and chasing what’s next. Through this lens, I’ve started calling that part of me Surge.
Surge isn’t just a concept. It is a way of understanding how I operate in the world. It is the voice that pushes me forward, the energy that fills a room, and the drive that keeps me from standing still. And if I’m being honest, it is also the part of me that sometimes pulls me away from what matters most.
“Benergy”: The Identity I’ve Carried
For years, students have described me in a way that stuck. They would joke that I was like the Energizer Bunny, always going, always present, always bringing energy into every space I entered. Eventually, that turned into a nickname, Benergy.
I have always embraced that identity because it reflects something true about me. I am an energetic person. I thrive in movement, in conversation, in creating ideas and building something new. That energy has been a core part of how I connect with students, how I lead, and how I build spaces of belonging.
But what I have come to realize is that even our greatest strengths carry complexity. The same energy that allows me to show up powerfully also has a shadow side. That shadow is where my Restless Saboteur lives.
Meet Surge: My Inner Superhero and Saboteur
If I were to turn this part of myself into a character, it would be a superhero named Surge. His catchphrase would be
“Keep moving, momentum is everything.”
Surge is constantly in motion. He jumps into ideas with excitement, sees possibilities everywhere, and brings people along with his energy. He is the part of me that helps start initiatives, build relationships, and create momentum in spaces that need it.
But Surge does not always know when to stop. He does not always pause long enough to ask whether the direction he is moving in is the right one. That is where the tension begins.
Coaching Changed How I See Myself
Through my coaching certification, I learned something that reshaped how I think about growth and self awareness. The goal is not to eliminate our saboteurs. It is to understand them.
That means recognizing how they show up, where they come from, and how they influence our decisions. It also means learning how to use our strengths intentionally while staying aware of how those same strengths can become overused.
For me, this was a shift. I stopped asking if this part of me is good or bad and started asking how this part of me is showing up right now.
That awareness has been transformative.
A Big Picture Mindset
One of my greatest strengths and challenges is that I have always been a big picture person. I naturally think in vision, possibility, and direction. I can see what something could become long before it exists. That ability has been incredibly valuable in my work, especially in creating student experiences and building environments centered on belonging.
But with that strength comes a consistent struggle. The details.
Details have never come as naturally to me. When I get excited about an idea, I want to move quickly into action. I want to bring it to life, to share it with my team, and to start building immediately. In those moments, the logistics, the step by step planning, and the operational details can feel like barriers rather than necessary components.
And that is where I have had to do a lot of learning.
When Vision Moves Too Fast
There have been times in my leadership where I have brought forward a big idea and expected momentum to carry it forward. I have shared vision with excitement, believing that clarity of direction was enough to make something successful.
But what I have learned is this. Vision without detail creates instability.
When I move too quickly, I can unintentionally overwhelm my team, create confusion around priorities, start more than we can sustain, and leave important work unfinished.
While I may feel energized in those moments, others can feel stretched or unsure of how to keep up. That has been one of the hardest parts of this realization, understanding that my natural way of operating can have unintended impacts on others.
The Deeper Layer of Restlessness
Through reflection and coaching, I have started to ask myself more intentional questions. Why do I feel the need to keep moving. What happens if I slow down. What am I avoiding when I do not stay present.
Restlessness is not just about energy. Often, it is about avoidance.
It can look like moving on from discomfort too quickly, avoiding difficult emotions by staying busy, and jumping to something new when something feels uncertain or incomplete.
There is a part of me that believes if I keep moving, I will not have to sit with what is hard. While that strategy may have served a purpose at one point, it does not always serve me now.
The Lies That Keep Me Moving
Restlessness is reinforced by thoughts that feel true in the moment. Thoughts like life is too short, I do not want to miss out, and the next thing will be better.
These are not inherently wrong, but they can become misleading when they drive constant movement. They can pull me away from depth, from presence, and from the kind of sustained effort that meaningful work requires.
Redefining My Energy
I am not trying to lose my energy. Being Benergy is a part of who I am, and it is something I value. But I am working to redefine what that energy looks like in practice.
Energy does not have to mean constant motion. It can also mean being fully present in a moment, committing deeply to something that matters, moving with intention rather than impulse, and creating sustainability instead of urgency.
This is where growth is happening for me. Not in becoming less of who I am, but in becoming more intentional with how I show up.
Learning to Lead Myself Differently
This journey has required me to slow down in ways that do not always feel natural. It has meant paying attention to when I want to jump ahead and asking whether that is aligned with what actually matters.
It has meant learning to stay with things longer than my initial excitement, value the details as part of the process, bring others along in ways that feel supportive, and sit with discomfort instead of avoiding it.
None of this is easy, but all of it is necessary.
Moving Forward with Awareness
Surge is still with me. That part of me has not gone away, and I do not want it to. It is a source of creativity, connection, and momentum. But now I am working to lead that energy rather than be led by it.
The phrase momentum is everything still resonates, but I am starting to see it differently. Momentum without direction can lead anywhere. Momentum with intention can lead somewhere meaningful.
Let’s Do This Work Together
One of the biggest takeaways from my coaching certification is that this kind of self awareness work is not meant to be done in isolation. When we understand our saboteurs, we gain clarity about how we show up in our lives, our work, and our relationships.
If you are someone who resonates with this, if you find yourself constantly moving, thinking about what is next, or struggling to stay present, I would love to connect.
I am currently taking coaching clients and would welcome the opportunity to walk alongside you as you explore your saboteurs, your strengths, the patterns that shape your decisions, and ways to lead yourself more intentionally.
Because this work is not about changing who you are. It is about understanding who you are and choosing how you want to show up.
Final Reflection
Being Benergy does not mean I have to be in constant motion. It means I have energy to offer and I get to decide where and how I use it.
Maybe that is what growth really looks like.
Not slowing down completely, but learning when to move and when to stay.
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