Belonging Starts With a Choice
Every year during Week of Welcome, I say something that might feel a little uncomfortable at first: belonging is not something that just happens to you. And I say that knowing full well that institutions have a responsibility to create spaces where students can show up fully as themselves. That responsibility is real. It matters deeply. It is something I have built my career around, thinking about spaces, shaping them, asking who they are for, and who they might still be leaving out. But there’s another truth that sits right alongside it, and it’s one we don’t always say out loud. You have a role in your own belonging.
What I see, year after year, is a pattern that is incredibly human. Students arrive on campus, move into their rooms, meet a few people, attend a few required things, and then, slowly, the door closes. The comfort of that room sets in. The phone becomes the connection point. You scroll, you text, you stay in the spaces where you are already known. And again, I get it. There is nothing easy about being dropped into a brand new environment where you don’t yet know your place, your people, or even yourself in that context. It is uncomfortable. It is uncertain. It can be overwhelming in ways that are hard to explain. But belonging rarely finds us when we are sitting alone, waiting for it to show up.
The Comfort of Staying In and the Reality of What It Costs
There is a comfort in staying in your room that is hard to compete with. It is predictable. It is safe. You don’t have to introduce yourself. You don’t have to navigate awkward silences or wonder if you are saying the right thing. There is no risk of rejection there. No chance of feeling out of place, because you’ve removed yourself from the possibility altogether. And yet, there is also something missing. Because while you might feel comfortable, you are not building anything new. You are not creating the conditions for belonging to take shape. You are maintaining connection to what was, instead of opening yourself up to what could be.
And the phone, let’s talk about that honestly. Our phones make it incredibly easy to feel like we are connected without actually being present. You can spend hours interacting with people and still feel alone. You can keep yourself occupied enough to avoid the discomfort of stepping into something new. But belonging is not built through scrolling. It is built through presence. Through being in a space, with people, sharing moments that are real and unfiltered. There is a difference between being connected and feeling like you belong, and that difference often comes down to whether or not we are willing to step outside of what is comfortable.
You Cannot Experience Belonging If You Don’t Lean In
This is where I challenge students, and I do it directly. You cannot experience belonging if you never lean in. And leaning in is not about becoming someone you’re not. It is not about suddenly being outgoing or fearless. It is about making a choice to engage, even when it feels awkward, even when you’re unsure, even when a part of you would rather stay where things feel easier. It is walking into an event when you don’t know anyone. It is sitting next to someone new in class instead of defaulting to the empty row. It is introducing yourself, even if your voice shakes a little. It is staying in a space five minutes longer than you planned because maybe something could come from it.
What we don’t talk about enough is that belonging requires vulnerability, and vulnerability is not easy. It means being seen. And being seen means there is always a possibility that you won’t be met the way you hope. That is a real risk, especially for students who have navigated spaces where belonging was never guaranteed in the first place. So when I say “lean in,” I am not ignoring that reality. I am naming it. I am acknowledging that there is fear in this process. Fear of not fitting in. Fear of being judged. Fear of confirming the very thing you’re worried about, that maybe you don’t belong here. But here is the truth. The students who find belonging are not the ones who never feel fear. They are the ones who move with it.
Tools to Help You Take the First Step
If you’re a first year student, or honestly anyone navigating a new space, the question becomes how do you actually do this when you’re scared. Because you will be. That part is normal.
Start small. Keep your door open in your residence hall, even if it feels a little vulnerable. Sit in shared spaces instead of always going back to your room. Show up to one event, even if you leave after ten minutes. Introduce yourself to the person next to you. Just your name is enough. Say yes to something you normally wouldn’t.
Another tool is to redefine what success looks like. Success is not finding all your people immediately. Success might be that you showed up. It might be that you stayed longer than you wanted to. It might be that you had one conversation. Those moments matter more than you think.
Belonging is built through repetition. Through showing up again and again until spaces that once felt unfamiliar begin to feel like somewhere you can breathe a little easier.
The Risk of Waiting and the Domino Effect You Might Miss
Here’s something I wish more students understood. Belonging is a domino effect. One small moment leads to another. One conversation leads to a connection. One familiar face turns into someone you recognize, then someone you talk to, then maybe someone who becomes part of your life in a meaningful way. One event introduces you to a space you didn’t know you needed. One step opens the door to many more.
But that first domino has to fall.
If you don’t take that initial step, if you stay in your room, stay on your phone, stay disconnected, you are not just missing one opportunity. You are missing the entire chain reaction that could have followed. And that is the part that is hardest to see in the moment.
It’s easy to think it’s just one event, or just one introduction, or that you will go next time. But belonging is rarely built through big, singular moments. It is built through a series of small ones that build on each other over time. When you choose not to lean in, you interrupt that process before it even has a chance to begin.
Responsibility Without Blame
Now let’s hold something with care and clarity. Talking about personal responsibility in belonging is not about placing blame. It is not about saying that if you do not feel like you belong, that is entirely on you. That is not the message.
Institutions, leaders, and communities have a responsibility to create environments where belonging is possible. If a space is harmful, exclusionary, or not built with you in mind, that needs to be addressed. That work matters, and it is ongoing.
But when opportunities for connection exist, when spaces are open, when people are trying to build community, there is also a responsibility to meet that effort halfway. Belonging is co created. It lives in what is built, but it also lives in how people choose to show up within those spaces.
You’re Not the Only One Figuring It Out
One of the biggest misconceptions students carry is that they are the only ones feeling uncertain. That they are the only ones who do not have it all figured out. But if you look around, you will start to see that many people are navigating the same questions.
The person sitting next to you in class might be hoping someone talks to them. The group you are hesitant to join might be waiting for someone new to walk in. The conversation you are overthinking might be the same one someone else is wishing would happen.
Belonging often begins when someone decides to go first.
Final Thought: Give Yourself Permission to Step In
Belonging is not passive. It lives in spaces, yes, but it also lives in choices. In the decision to get out of your room. To put your phone down. To walk into something unfamiliar. To try, even when you are not sure how it will go.
During Week of Welcome, and far beyond it, my message stays the same. We are working to build spaces where you belong. That work matters, and it continues every day.
But when those spaces begin to open, when the door is there, even just a little, I hope you give yourself permission to step through it.
Because you deserve to be there.
And because you never know what might be waiting on the other side of that first step.
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